Goals are good. Goals give you some perception of what you are doing with your life in the weeks or months or years to come. I have so many goals. Then there’s this fear. This crippling self doubt that just kills every hope I have. It took me weeks to build up the confidence to just blog, and even now I try not to give out too many details about who I am because, I really don’t want anyone that I know personally knowing how my brain works.
I don’t know why I’m like that. I am not the same person in my head as I am in person. Who I am changes day to day depending on where I am, who I’m with, and just about any other factor that exists. Most of the time, though, I’m that shy wierdo in the back of the room who will only talk to you if you talk to me first.
I got to thinking about the word ‘creator’ the other day. You can say artists, writers, singers, filmmakers, they’re all creators. But, isn’t everyone a creator? Ignore whatever it is that you have physically created in your lifetime. You’ve created you, the amazing person who has gotten where you are today because of you. So if this feeling is something that creators have, everyone can relate, right?
I’m willing to wager that not everyone feels exactly the way that I do. I know some people are a lot more confident with themselves than I am. Just go with me for a minute though, it’s not always about sharing yourself, it’s about sharing what you create.
So, I’m a creator, I create music, blogs, I’m working on some novels. I have no idea where to go from here. I like writing, but I write for myself. I write because. . . I have all of these thoughts that drive me wild and I guess it just. . . helps. If I can get it all out on paper, then it’s bearable.
Then I hit the point where I’m finished with it, and it sits in a hiding spot in my room because I don’t want anyone finding it ever. EVER. Because people judge. I’m scared of that. People are scary, and I am not the type of person who can deal with that. I want so desperately to entertain people, because putting smiles on peoples faces just seems like the best thing I could possibly spend my time doing.
I don’t know why, there’s just so much crap in this world. It’s nice to have something I can come home to and just forget the world, if only for a moment. It’s nice to think that if I can write things and get them out to people somehow and it can help them escape from whatever troubles await them when they walk away from it, that’s a good feeling. Think of it this way; how great does it feel when somebody tells you that you made their day? Pretty great.
There is this thing though, I’m not a ‘writer,’ or I might be. I don’t know where I stand, but I guess this is growing up (Blink 182 lyrics for the win). Figuring out who you are, where you fit in. The simple answer is don’t worry about what people think.
How many times have you heard that? “Just be yourself, ignore what everyone else thinks.” I can’t do that. If people hate me, it haunts me.
I might not be a writer, I might not be a musician or singer, but I am a creator. A creator of what is still waiting to be discovered. When I do create though, it’s for me. It’s to get me through tough times. It’s to try to figure things out. It’s to make me feel less alone, so I write and I create, and when I do write and create, I’ll do whatever I damn well please. I want anyone who creates to think of that everytime you’re creating. Don’t create for your audience, don’t create for your readers, create for you. Create because it’s what you love, because you don’t ever want to lose that feeling of creating something you genuinely like and are proud of.
What does it mean to be a creator? If you’re anything like me (and for the sake of this post I hope you are), it means paranoia. It means your fingers aren’t going fast enough to keep up with everything in your brain and you keep accidentally typing cratos instead of creator. It means getting frustrated when you can’t find the right words to get across what your feeling. It means losing yourself in what you’re doing and going down a totally different road than you originally intended, leading to a much longer post than anticipated. It means staring at the ‘Publish Post’ button for a good fifteen minutes hoping that what you have spent the last two hours working on was good enough quality to share with the internet. It means you get scared once and again, and sometimes you make this shell to keep yourself from getting hurt, and that’s not okay.
It means sitting in your room with your door locked so that nobody will barge in and hear you sing. It means writing all of your songs in a little notebook that you keep hidden behind your bed where you know no one will find it. It means being scared to get in front of people and have them listen to you because you don’t think you have enough talent or skill for every single one of them to like you.
It means getting the same grade when you recited poetry for your class as the girl who completely blew everyone away, and hoping that even though you have undoubtedly the best grade in your class, your teacher won’t ask you to go farther in the competition. It means swearing to yourself that if he asks, then you’ll say yes because you know that you have to step out of your shell at some point and forcing yourself is the only way it can happen. It means wanting desperately to have the guts to try out for a televised talent competition, but every year when sign ups come around you tell yourself you can sign up next year.
It means an overwhelming amount of fear, and that’s okay, because that’s feeling, and feeling means living.
My name is Katie. I’m the girl behind The Other Category, and I’m scared, but that’s okay.
P.S: I know this isn’t how my blog usually is and I’m sorry it’s not my usual lame attempts at being funny. I just felt that if anyone out there feels like this ever, they might come across this and realize they aren’t alone. Because there are so many times when you feel like no one feels the same way, and it’s never true. There are 7 billion people on this world, at least one person has most likely felt that way at one point or another. Stay strong everyone. 🙂