It’s Not Rocket Science (Well . . . Actually. . . )

Allow me to set the scene for you.

The whole class is sweaty, the room hot and stuffy from the abundance of teenagers with increased body temperatures due to the previous gym period. Every single student had either played basketball or handball, leaving them absolutely drained of energy as they pulled out their notebooks.

The physics teacher, noting the lack of liveliness in his usually over-active class, crossed to the front of the room slowly and opened a wooden drawer under his brand new sliding white boards. Retrieving a small nerf-missile launcher, he faces the class again with a smirk. He begins shooting the small foam missiles at one of the most talkative girls in class, missing every time until he finally gets the full attention of the class.

Once the room is silent aside from a few lingering comments about the cheap toy, the teacher once again reaches into the drawer, this time drawing out a small toy sling-shot. He proceeds to shoot small foams balls at the same girl, still always missing. This man has embarrassing aim.

After all of this, somehow he led into a sheep mooning his wife on their honeymoon in Ireland. Believable enough. Let me also set this scene for you.

The sheep is on a stone wall, as there are many of both sheep, and stone walls in Ireland. First, it is facing the road that the teacher and his wife were driving on. They pull up and stop to take it’s picture, probably thinking something along the lines of “Oh, cute, sheep on wall, so adorable, rap scallion”. . . who knows, they’re at least ten years older than me. Old people, you know?

At the flash, the sheep turns around on the wall, ‘moons’ his wife, and proceeds to jump off the wall on the other opposite side. What’s on the opposite side? A cliff. Water. Sharp rocks. Unhappy endings.

To this day, the teacher insists that the sheep landed on a small ledge on the other side of the wall, although he never stopped to check. During this explanation, a student asked the only logical question one could ask: “How?”

The physics teacher, being the sarcastic little shit he his, got up onto a lab table in front of the entire class and said the words “Like this” followed by him backing off the table with a short “HAH!” disappearing behind the bench where no one could see him.

Believe it or not, we actually learned in physics today. We calculated the sheep’s falling speed and it’s horizontal acceleration to see whether or not it would land on the rocks or in the water. But, let’s be honest, that is not the part of the class any of us will remember come the test. 

It’s Monday

Happy Monday! You know. . . Monday. It’s the day before Tuesday.

Tuesday, the day that today is not. Because today is too busy being Monday it can’t possibly find the time to be Tuesday. So this is definitely Monday, tell your boss that’s why you didn’t come into work yesterday.

Oh, you went to work yesterday? Good for you, over-achiever. Ranking in those over-time hours so you can buy yourself some. . . uh. . . cookies. Yeah, get yourself some cookies with that money. You deserve one after working over-time.

You poor people, working on Sunday. I guess you lost track of your days. You probably just checked off two days on your calendar on Saturday by accident instead of just one. Or your alarm clock just went off on the wrong day. It happens sometimes, you know. If you set it wrong, it does. 

Alright. I’m late. I admit it I’m sorry. I have to tell you it’s taking quite a bit of effort to get back into running this blog, and it’s such a mess sometimes that I think no one even cares anymore when posts like this happen. Truth is, I forgot yesterday was a blog day and that’s all my fault (and also a lot of other people’s faults because I had a lot of work to do on the day I had to get fitted for a gown. Don’t teachers understand I can’t do everything at once?).

Today is still Monday because on the internet I can make up my own rules. This is MY BLOG DANG IT. So happy Tuesday/Monday, because today is definitely not Tuesday and if you need evidence to tell your boss why you weren’t there yesterday (you know, for those of you who weren’t working over-time) you can e-mail them this post for support. 

Your employee is telling the truth. Today is Monday. Your whole life is a lie. You should go home and think about that.